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we are on on a friday night t is very unusual for us. and i'm-- let's just-- here's the-- i'm the-- here's the fact. this has been a long week. we are on the road, away from our families, the people here in tampa have been very nice, very hospitable, but let's face facts. it is hotter than a gorilla's anus. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: although, to be fair to gorillas-- (laughter) -- that is a dry heat. (applause) the worst part of this town-- the worst part of this town, you can't even sit down to take a break from the unrelenting heat because the moment you form any kind of lap in the tampa-st. pete area, you are set upon by those who seek to dance upon said lap. (cheers and applause) >> jon: do you know-- do you know how hard it is to get money down in tampa that does not have body glitter on it? (laughter) i was admittedly a little down last night, from being here this whole week, a little disspirited. and then-- no, no-- and then it happened. yes! amidst the tired rhetoric, empty platitudes and overwrought attacks, a fistful of awe
we are on on a friday night t is very unusual for us. and i'm-- let's just-- here's the-- i'm the-- here's the fact. this has been a long week. we are on the road, away from our families, the people here in tampa have been very nice, very hospitable, but let's face facts. it is hotter than a gorilla's anus. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: although, to be fair to gorillas-- (laughter) -- that is a dry heat. (applause) the worst part of this town-- the worst part of this town, you can't even...
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it's magical, thank a lot guys thanks for joining us. tonight's results, guys, what do you think. >> jon tonight's results have caused a seismic shift? what we're forecasting for the 2016 election. the real winner tonight looks to be hillary clinton who is now projecting pat 68% chance of victory -- >> [crowd cheering] >> that's up from 54% just a few hours ago. obviously premature to call the 2016 election but i think through demands we have at least examined some vice presidential options. tonight mitt romney received very little minority support. we're talking jimmy buffet concert level. so that's clearly going to have to put some coffee in that cream. wouldn't hurt to counter hillary with a woman either. some people are saying condaleesa rice or perhaps medea. >> no jon the character from greek tragedy who murders both of her children. that medea. >> jon: what about hillary's vice president. >> she'll need to reach older white male voters. so the two leading vp contenders are a 1962 chevy empala and a can of beer. >> jon: i understan
it's magical, thank a lot guys thanks for joining us. tonight's results, guys, what do you think. >> jon tonight's results have caused a seismic shift? what we're forecasting for the 2016 election. the real winner tonight looks to be hillary clinton who is now projecting pat 68% chance of victory -- >> [crowd cheering] >> that's up from 54% just a few hours ago. obviously premature to call the 2016 election but i think through demands we have at least examined some vice...
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what are you doing us? >> jon? >> jon: no, i'm going float to commercial and we'll have a conversation. we do have to go to >> jon: welcome back. here speaking to president barack obama. second half starts to go faster. the questions will get a little tougher. how many times a week does biden show up in a wet bathing suit to a meeting? just ball park figure you're? >> i had to put out a presidential directive on that. we had to stop it. >> jon: have you to put towels down. >> i have to say he looks pretty good. >> jon: i don't doubt that. this is something i call still or no. so you're president now. before you ran you had certain things that you thought -- i wonder if four years of president has changed that. first is we don't have to trade our values and ideals for our security. do you still feel that way? >> we don't. there are things we haven't gotten done. i still want to close guantanamo bay. one thing we have to do is put a legal architecture in place and we need congressional help do that to make sure not o
what are you doing us? >> jon? >> jon: no, i'm going float to commercial and we'll have a conversation. we do have to go to >> jon: welcome back. here speaking to president barack obama. second half starts to go faster. the questions will get a little tougher. how many times a week does biden show up in a wet bathing suit to a meeting? just ball park figure you're? >> i had to put out a presidential directive on that. we had to stop it. >> jon: have you to put...
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it's like, even though we have more information, and we don't know how the use it well, it can get us into more trouble. >> jon: i thought that was fascinating that when you talk about pundits, for instance. you say that the pundits and their predictions are no better than a coin toss. >> yeah. if you look long-term how do people in the mclaughlin group do, they get half their predictions right and half wrong because they're basically entertainers. right, people criticize this show maybe and say, it's entertainment masquerading as news, but a lot of news is entertainment masquerading as news. >> jon: i think that's absolutely correct. [cheering and applause] do you foresee a coin getting its own show? >> a coin toss? >> jon: the coin toss show. just flip it up... >> maybe instead of a recount. that's how they do it in the nfl, just have a coin flip. it's within one-tenth of 1%, just flip a coin. >> jon: isn't there a point with our elections that we are beyond the ability to know of it statistically, that we are beyond the statistical predictability. >> sure, if you look at the minnes
it's like, even though we have more information, and we don't know how the use it well, it can get us into more trouble. >> jon: i thought that was fascinating that when you talk about pundits, for instance. you say that the pundits and their predictions are no better than a coin toss. >> yeah. if you look long-term how do people in the mclaughlin group do, they get half their predictions right and half wrong because they're basically entertainers. right, people criticize this show...
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drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made. i felt the same as the president did. i supported his action there. absolutely the right thing to do to have crippling sanctions. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i think romney's leaning obama! (laughter) apparently romney is one of this year's coveted swing voters. look, how closely did mitt romney align himself with what had, i guess up until last night, been the worst foreign policy ever? listen to these guys duet on syria. >> i believe that assad must go. >> assad has to go. >> i don't want to have our military involved in syria. >> for us to get more entangled militarily in syria is a serious step. >> so the right course for us is working through our partners -- >> -- in consultation with our partners -- >> -- to identify responsible parties within syria. >> mobilizing the moderate forces. >> organize them. >> helping the operation organize. >> we need to make sure -- >> making absolutely cert
drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made. i felt the same as the president did. i supported his action there. absolutely the right thing to do to have crippling sanctions. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i think romney's leaning obama! (laughter) apparently romney is one of this year's coveted swing voters. look, how closely did mitt romney align himself with what had, i guess...
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now nobody can use him. (applause) admittedly mathews is runs a not a machine, everyone knows he is a simple potato battery. but still, he likes you. and even the people who don't like you were some what stunned at the poor performance. even osama bin laden from the bottom of his watery grave watched and was like that's the guy that killed me? (laughter) really? mr. look down at the paper all night, shot me in the face. here's what's perhaps most maddening. for the past year and a half you, mr. president, have inundated this country with urgent e-mails begging for support and money and energy and money and money and money. and it's not just the number of e-mails, it's the intensity of their content this is our one shot. say you're in. your response is critical. i can't do this on my own. and by the way, you made that you bund antley clear last night-- but the point is this, you and your campaign have demanded a level of effort, urgency and relentlessness from your supporters. a level of urgency and relentles
now nobody can use him. (applause) admittedly mathews is runs a not a machine, everyone knows he is a simple potato battery. but still, he likes you. and even the people who don't like you were some what stunned at the poor performance. even osama bin laden from the bottom of his watery grave watched and was like that's the guy that killed me? (laughter) really? mr. look down at the paper all night, shot me in the face. here's what's perhaps most maddening. for the past year and a half you, mr....
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but now that obama has been re-elected how have the john creators amongst us reacted. we turn to our deranged billionaire, john hodgman, john. >> oh, how dare you. >> jon: what. >> how dare you applaud me now after you shiftless moochers rejected everything that is good and right and wealthy in this world. >> jon: you're still up set that mitt romney lost. >> i don't know how, i don't understand why it happened, john. i mean we all agree that wealthy americans are the best americans. >> jon: well, not-- not everybody agrees with that. >> well, everybody one i know does and mitt romney was the wealthiest american, or at least the wealthiest who way willing to touch your hands and lift your babies. i mean romney was a rich man. and he wanted to be president watch. pore could he have done to earn your vote. i don't even know what is happening with this country any more, john. >> jon: did you just blow your nose with 100 dollar bill. >> i can't use a 50th, grant hair is too scratchy. >> jon: sorry, john. >> oh, you will will be sar i'm. you will all be sarree. you will reg
but now that obama has been re-elected how have the john creators amongst us reacted. we turn to our deranged billionaire, john hodgman, john. >> oh, how dare you. >> jon: what. >> how dare you applaud me now after you shiftless moochers rejected everything that is good and right and wealthy in this world. >> jon: you're still up set that mitt romney lost. >> i don't know how, i don't understand why it happened, john. i mean we all agree that wealthy americans are...
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>> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you, nation. ( crowd chanting ) ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: i've got to tell you, with an ovation like that, you make me almost wish i stayed in this race. ( laughter ) folks, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. bu
>> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you, nation. ( crowd chanting ) ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: i've got to tell you, with an ovation like that, you make me almost wish i stayed in this race. ( laughter ) folks, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in...
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thank you for being here with us. (cheers and applause) let me ask you a question, so in the senate when you are-- you don't have the majority in the senate, everything is geared towards you being able to stop the opposite party. does the house have any mechanisms for the minority party to slow down legislation or not-- how has your role changed from having the majority to not. >> well, the power of the speaker of the house is awesome. it is very different-- . >> jon: like thor, we say? when you hold the gavel, thunder? >> sometimes more damage than that under the republicans. but it is-- it is, it's a different, it's just completely different. and so what you have to do is just win the house for the democrats so that the president has a congress that will work with him. >> jon: so that's the only thing that you can do is -- >> yeah, pretty much. what i like is what president lincoln said, he said public sentiment is everything. so just take it to the public and that is what elections are about. and that's why on this
thank you for being here with us. (cheers and applause) let me ask you a question, so in the senate when you are-- you don't have the majority in the senate, everything is geared towards you being able to stop the opposite party. does the house have any mechanisms for the minority party to slow down legislation or not-- how has your role changed from having the majority to not. >> well, the power of the speaker of the house is awesome. it is very different-- . >> jon: like thor, we...
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there is a bill that defends us against some sort of like u.n. invasion. >> that's awesome. >> no, not really. >> sv1359 would say medical professional doesn't have to inform a woman during her pregnancy if the child has a birth defect. >> wow. it's just showboating at this point. really rubbing it in your faces. >> could be. >> it's like arizona republicans have already put the no labels 12-step plan into place. and the people of arizona couldn't be happier. they're celebrating nonetheless streets, like this parade for anti-immigration law sv1070. >> the super majority is pazzing all these laws. it's something we need ( speaking spanish ) >> now, my span sir a little bit rusty but what he said there is he appreciates the streamlined lack of gridlock here in arizona. he also gave a shout-out to his girlfriend tina. he's sorry he hurt her. the other girl meant nothing. airfare talked to 600 people-- >> i think it's basically ( bleep ). >> i realized, maybe they don't like it. hold. what is this law? >> it was a bill passed that allows law enforcem
there is a bill that defends us against some sort of like u.n. invasion. >> that's awesome. >> no, not really. >> sv1359 would say medical professional doesn't have to inform a woman during her pregnancy if the child has a birth defect. >> wow. it's just showboating at this point. really rubbing it in your faces. >> could be. >> it's like arizona republicans have already put the no labels 12-step plan into place. and the people of arizona couldn't be happier....
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join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> hi. i thought obama would be buried in a landslide. instead i've been in a ( laughter ) ( applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> hi. i thought obama would be buried in a landslide. instead i've been in a ( laughter ) ( applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
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join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> hi. i thought obama would be buried in a landslide. instead i've been in a
join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> hi. i thought obama would be buried in a landslide. instead i've been in a
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required use of condoms in porn movies. los angeles -- >> wait a minute. >> no, no, not in the movie theatre-- barbara! are you having sex in the movie theatres? (laughter) i don't know what i -- >> oh, i think you know exactly what-- (laughter) you mintion. let me reassure you, miss walters you can still continue to have your unprotected movie theatre sex. (laughter) make sure no one is filming it if you don't want to break the law. but there was one other issue burning up ballots in several states, actually hang on a second. let me just-- okay, yeah, here we go. roll the clip. >> voters in washington state and colorado approved ballot initiatives legalizing marijuana for recreational use. (cheers and applause) >> i know my audience. (laughter) that's sad, the most excited i've seen them all day. two states voted to decriminalize marijuana use for recreation. no more prescriptions for acute sporadic social anxiety disorder. the news, brought mixed reaction starting in the consumer/enthusiast community. >> it means i'm goin
required use of condoms in porn movies. los angeles -- >> wait a minute. >> no, no, not in the movie theatre-- barbara! are you having sex in the movie theatres? (laughter) i don't know what i -- >> oh, i think you know exactly what-- (laughter) you mintion. let me reassure you, miss walters you can still continue to have your unprotected movie theatre sex. (laughter) make sure no one is filming it if you don't want to break the law. but there was one other issue burning up...
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join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> hi. i thought obama would be buried in a landslide. instead i've been in a ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] announcer: you've seen them at mardi gras and on spring break. now see them as you've never seen them before... in the wilds of africa! that's right! available for the first time on home video, it'snational geographic's 3rd world girls gone wild! no collection of videos showing girls lifting their shirts up is complete withoutnational geographic's 3rd world girls gone wild. call now. man: dave chappelle! [applause, cheering, whistling...]
join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> hi. i thought obama would be buried in a landslide. instead i've been in a ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] announcer: you've seen them at mardi gras and on spring break. now see them as you've never seen them before... in the wilds of africa! that's right!...
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., the united states of arithmetic, nate silver will be joining us ( cheers and applause ) it was a big night last night. the big news, of course, president barack obama not just re-elected but seemingly given fresh batteries. >> we remain more than a collection of red states and blue states. ry are and forever will be the united states of america. and together, with your help, and god's grace, we will continue our journey forward. ( laughter ). >> jon: so that's all it took for to you get back in the groove was the fact that you never have to run for president again? ( laughter ) that's all it took? ( cheers and applause ) of course, on the other side, governor mitt romney broke the bad news to his supporters before reluctantly being asked to pose for his family's yearly christmas card. ( laughter ). that is a good-looking bunch. it's like they-- the people that came in the frames. across the nation, the people spoke, legalizing gay marriage in maine and maryland. legalizing marijuana in washington state, and colorado-- ( cheers and applause ) gay marriage... nothing. ( laughter ). mar
., the united states of arithmetic, nate silver will be joining us ( cheers and applause ) it was a big night last night. the big news, of course, president barack obama not just re-elected but seemingly given fresh batteries. >> we remain more than a collection of red states and blue states. ry are and forever will be the united states of america. and together, with your help, and god's grace, we will continue our journey forward. ( laughter ). >> jon: so that's all it took for to...
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(laughter) believe us. this is not how -- your mother will see you in a casket and this this was a ridiculous-- i'm paraphrasing -- >> jon: sure. >> --way to die. >> jon: did they mention how you would want to die? >> they said when you're very, very old, when you'ren up having adventures. >> jon: here's the thing about crack dealers people don't recognize. a lot of wisdom there. a lot of good wisdom. a lot of really nice -- do you keep in touch with any of your subjects? is there a rapport that's developd? >> i like to keep in touch with people because i don't want people to feel -- you know, i spend all my time with crazy people but i never look down at them, i never feel imperialistic, i always feel like i connect with them on a neurotic level and so i like it when the people -- >> jon: do you, when you're with them, refer to them as "crazy people" or when you're with them do you say "great idea, phoenix! let's go a to a crack house." >> i didn't say that. at one point what he wanted to do was get some -
(laughter) believe us. this is not how -- your mother will see you in a casket and this this was a ridiculous-- i'm paraphrasing -- >> jon: sure. >> --way to die. >> jon: did they mention how you would want to die? >> they said when you're very, very old, when you'ren up having adventures. >> jon: here's the thing about crack dealers people don't recognize. a lot of wisdom there. a lot of good wisdom. a lot of really nice -- do you keep in touch with any of your...
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we'd sure like for you to vote for us. it's about appointments. it's about policy that changes the way people perceive your party because of the reality that you're actually doing something that helps them. whether it's education or economic development. you have to make sure that it's not just some kind of a election year window dressing because that doesn't do a dog-gone thing >> jon: here's what i think the largest obstacle you're going to have to overcome. what they have utilized minorities for in the conservative world in a lot of ways. this is election day >> what's going on in philly with the new black panther party >> the number of black panthers were outside of a polling site >> a member of the new black panther party >> standing guard emi-military post to intimidate voters >> fox news confirmed he is a designated poll watcher. >> if it's not voter intimidation, what is it? >> standing guard outside a polling place >> intimidating voters in philadelphia >> last time four years ago one of them had a billy club >> in 2008 in philadelphia, t
we'd sure like for you to vote for us. it's about appointments. it's about policy that changes the way people perceive your party because of the reality that you're actually doing something that helps them. whether it's education or economic development. you have to make sure that it's not just some kind of a election year window dressing because that doesn't do a dog-gone thing >> jon: here's what i think the largest obstacle you're going to have to overcome. what they have utilized...
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yeah, what word are we going to use? >> nachos how often? all the time so describe the school using a nacho metaphor >> nachos, the school is like nacho cheese. more nourishing and you can't get enough of it. >> reporter: as the pearlman campaign seized the momentum jason desperately searched for a celebrity to give zablo campaign a boost >> i need a big-time actor, any super hero would be great. oh, really? would he do it >> reporter: but time was running out because with debate afternoon finally here for the candidates, it was game time. ♪ >> it is with great pleasure that i introduce kyle pearlman and lauren zablo. >> my name is lauren zablo and i am running to be your student council president. i've been in student council since sixth grade so i will make every effort snts >> reporter: while lauren went with substance, the pearlman took a different approach >> hello, my fellow americans. i can see i'm the only one wearing played today >> i'm sorry to see that i'm the only one wearing a flag pin today. this election we all know is prett
yeah, what word are we going to use? >> nachos how often? all the time so describe the school using a nacho metaphor >> nachos, the school is like nacho cheese. more nourishing and you can't get enough of it. >> reporter: as the pearlman campaign seized the momentum jason desperately searched for a celebrity to give zablo campaign a boost >> i need a big-time actor, any super hero would be great. oh, really? would he do it >> reporter: but time was running out...
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out of the same hole they used to zap your youth. the cloaca i think it's called. >> obama took gm and chrysler into bankruptcy and sold chrysler to italians who are going to build jeeps in china. (laughter) >> jon: sold chrysler to italians what, we're afraid of italians now? >> if obama wins, it will be the pope deciding what you drive. (laughter) one day they're ruining our car companies, the next day they'll be kissing our daughters with their garlicky lips. (laughter) by the way, apparently the classic italians are going to move american jeeps making jobs to china. why you say these things, mitt romney. kuz now i gotta makea the nice people of ohio say another ad saying that's [bleep]. >> after romney's false claim of jeep outsourcing to china chrysler itself has refuted romney's lie. >> jon: how out there is mitt romney, i a car company, the people who convince you you need the undercoating are coming after him for his dishonesty. (laughter) you might say well hey, why don't they just turn off the tv and leave the house and liv
out of the same hole they used to zap your youth. the cloaca i think it's called. >> obama took gm and chrysler into bankruptcy and sold chrysler to italians who are going to build jeeps in china. (laughter) >> jon: sold chrysler to italians what, we're afraid of italians now? >> if obama wins, it will be the pope deciding what you drive. (laughter) one day they're ruining our car companies, the next day they'll be kissing our daughters with their garlicky lips. (laughter) by...
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join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> he's got four stars, he's written a book on counterinsurgency, he's the acknowledged expert in the world. he's one of the greatest generals america has ever produced. and yet he can't keep his pants captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] man: ladies and gentlemen, dave chappelle! dave: hey. what? oh, snap, oh. thanks, y'all, thanks, y'all. welcome, everybody. welcome to chappelle's show. welcome, man. thanks for coming out tonight, y'all. you know, i almost was afraid no one would be here. i had a conversation that upset me where a dude said my show was offensive to black people. normally, that doesn't bother me, but he was white. so it freaked me out that much more. [laughter] he had me thinking
join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> he's got four stars, he's written a book on counterinsurgency, he's the acknowledged expert in the world. he's one of the greatest generals america has ever produced. and yet he can't keep his pants captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo!...
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don't forget to invoice us, juan co. (laughter) so let's cut the "i'd love to be able to give employees health care, i just can't." let's face the facts. pizza and coal companies are just unlucky enough to have a labor force that can't be outsourceed. you happen to be in one of the few industries that still has to hire americans. if you could outsource your pizza making to china papa john's would quickly become papa-san. which is actually japan. but, you know, for the joke you understand. it's your fault! you could have gone tech, papa john. founded instagram and made a billion dollars. instead you made pizzas with a filter that makes them taste like it's 1979. (laughter) and murray with the coal company. don't pretend you're not going to fire all your human coal miners the minute you figure out how to train bats to carry coal lumps up out of the ground. not that you guys don't have a legitimate gripe against this president. obama has fought harder for single payer health care business owners like you would never have to
don't forget to invoice us, juan co. (laughter) so let's cut the "i'd love to be able to give employees health care, i just can't." let's face the facts. pizza and coal companies are just unlucky enough to have a labor force that can't be outsourceed. you happen to be in one of the few industries that still has to hire americans. if you could outsource your pizza making to china papa john's would quickly become papa-san. which is actually japan. but, you know, for the joke you...
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join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> he's got four stars, he's written a book on counterinsurgency, he's the acknowledged expert in the world. he's one of the greatest ge
join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> he's got four stars, he's written a book on counterinsurgency, he's the acknowledged expert in the world. he's one of the greatest ge
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join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> he's got four stars, he's written a book on counterinsurgency, he's the acknowledged expert in the world. he's one of the greatest generals america has ever produced. and yet he can't keep his pants captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> he's got four stars, he's written a book on counterinsurgency, he's the acknowledged expert in the world. he's one of the greatest generals america has ever produced. and yet he can't keep his pants captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org